


let's swap chests today

by panlesters



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Fluff, Insecurities, Introspection, M/M, is angst the right word? idk, it does have a happy ending though, magic?, positivity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-28
Updated: 2020-01-28
Packaged: 2021-02-27 10:53:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,700
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22456024
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/panlesters/pseuds/panlesters
Summary: when Dan is having a bad day, Phil wishes quietly that he could see himself the way Phil sees him. When Dan wakes up from a nap, he finds himself seeing the world in a different light.
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 12
Kudos: 49





	let's swap chests today

**Author's Note:**

> this is really different from anything i've ever written before, but i really enjoyed writing it! it was a strange thing to explore, but it felt really good to ~try a new thing~ and i hope it works!  
> enjoy!
> 
> title from would you be so kind by dodie

It’s a rough day today. He’s not sure what happened to make his mood drop the way it apparently did overnight, but Dan’s woken up to a grey world. When he stretches out, Phil is not beside him, and that makes him drop further. He wants to let out a whine, get out of bed, have a shower, _anything_ to get rid of the feeling encompassing him right now. Or, lack of feeling. 

It’s not long before Phil is back, two mugs of coffee in his hands. The second Dan makes eye contact with him, he knows Phil has figured out that it’s a bad day. He imagines he looks exactly how he feels; dark, tired, empty. The world looks dull. Even Phil’s normally radiant presence is looking dim today.

“Hey, babe,” Phil murmurs as he sets down Dan’s mug of coffee on his bedside table and makes his way round to his side of the bed. Dan wants to curl into him but his body tells him it would be too much today, when he’s struggling to feel anything.

“Morning,” he manages a croak, and a reach out to take his coffee. Caffeine definitely has no healing properties, he knows, but on days like these he tries to will the coffee to give him the energy he needs to do everything on his list.

He looks over at Phil, who is trying to inconspicuously watch Dan. Phil is itching to touch him, he can tell. It’s the way he comforts: hand holding, fingers in hair, shoulder touches. He’s much better at those things than he is at words, and he knows that Dan finds words overwhelming sometimes. He knows that sometimes, Dan feels too shit about himself to cope with being showered in affection.

“I need a shower,” Dan mutters. He’s already halfway through his scalding coffee, but it’s almost like he can’t feel that, either. In a few gulps he has downed it, and has somehow found the energy to leave the bed. Phil is left watching him in confusion as he makes his way into the shower. His bad days don’t normally go like this, but Phil isn’t going to stop him if he has a sudden impulse to shower. Any self-care is a step forward, on a day like this.

Dan emerges from the shower only a few minutes later. His hair is wet and unwashed, but at least he stood under the hot water for a little while. At least he felt something. His energy is gone as he settles back in the bed, and he allows Phil to help him towel dry his hair. When he’s satisfied with the dampness of his hair, he gently pushes Phil away. Phil runs one last hand through Dan’s hair, and is met with a sigh.

“Love you,” Phil says quietly.

Dan sighs again. He doesn’t say _I don’t know why_ , but he thinks it. Instead he says “love you too,” but Phil knows what the hesitation meant. He knows Dan so well. Too well.

“You think you can manage some breakfast?”

“I can’t, Phil,” Dan whispers. “I feel like I’ve done too much already.”

Phil lifts his hand to run through Dan’s hair, but stops halfway through the movement. “Hey, you showered. That’s something, right?” Dan huffs in response. “Any little bit of self-care is important, remember?”

“I just want to sleep,” Dan says. “No more self-care today.”

“That’s okay, baby,” Phil murmurs. “You did good already.”

Dan makes a scoffing sound. “I did shit.”

“Dan.”

“I didn’t even wash, Phil.” His voice doesn’t even have any emotion to it. He wishes there was some anger. He wants to feel _something_. “I just fucking stood there. I’m so fucking pathetic.”

“Hey, no.” Phil sits up next to him. “Normally you don’t even have the energy for that. You made a step in the right direction, Dan. Let yourself have that.”

Dan doesn’t reply. He closes his eyes and pulls the duvet back over himself. It doesn’t take long for his exhaustion to take over and his breathing to even out. Phil decides his jobs for today can wait, and he settles himself gently back in bed next to Dan.

“I wish you could just… see yourself the way I do,” he whispers into Dan’s shoulder. “I wish you could see the world through my eyes for once. You deserve some self-love. I wish you could have that.” He presses a feather-light kiss to Dan’s forehead and settles himself into Dan’s back.

* * *

When Dan wakes up, he feels strangely energised. Something feels different to how it did this morning, and he can’t place it. He can hear Phil snuffling a little louder than normal behind him, and rolls his eyes. He remembers Phil downloading some app on to his phone the other day, to track the noises he made when he was sleeping. Dan didn’t know what it was that made him self-conscious about snoring, but he’d indulged Phil. Now, here he is, snoring away. The more Dan listens, the louder Phil gets. Dan rolls his eyes and heaves himself out of bed.

First port of call is to brush his teeth. He still has morning breath, and he hates it. When he reaches the mirror, though, he sees something he wasn’t expecting.

It’s the same face. It’s just. Different. His eyes have more emotion than he’s seen before. Where did that even come from? Why would he need to see his own emotions in his eyes, when he was right here feeling them?

Although, he doesn’t feel like his emotions match what he can see in his eyes. There’s a spark of intelligence in there, some curiosity, some fondness and just a hint of cheekiness.

He’s not sure where all this is coming from. It doesn’t feel like him. He almost feels like an outsider looking in on himself. In an attempt to shake it, he undresses for his second shower of the day, this time hopefully a more successful one. He’s not feeling the resentment he felt earlier, though. He feels… accomplished. Phil really was right that even standing in a shower without washing is a step forward from a usual bad day. A swell of something not unlike pride flows through his chest.

Dan turns on the shower and strips himself of his shirt. He notices the little bit of pudge on his stomach, that normally he would frown at and try his best to ignore. Today, he runs his hand over it. It’s warm, a little squishy. Phil’s told him time and time again that he’s not allowed to get rid of it, that it’s one of his favourite parts of Dan's body. He thinks about how it probably would be a comfortable place for someone such as Phil to rest their head, and runs his hand back over it. Maybe he’ll be accepting of his body, just for today.

Even as he’s washing himself, Dan finds that he has a certain positivity for his body that is foreign, even for a good day. His hair feels softer than normal, curlier. He runs his soapy hands down his arms and realises how toned they are, how months of being forced to exercise and pull weights by a personal trainer have paid off. The same is true for his legs. His thighs, that he normally tolerates to a degree, feel strong and slightly muscular. The cellulite that dimples his skin is just some natural beauty that he’s never considered before.

He eventually steps out the shower and wraps himself in a towel. Catching himself in the mirror, towel round his waist and water dripping down his chest, he feels. Hot. For a second. He’s not sure where this sudden vanity has come from or why he can’t escape it, but he’s not going to complain if his dumb brain wants to be happy with him for a hot minute.

He wanders aimlessly around the house for a little while as his hair dries. He feeds Norman, tidies up the sofa a little, washes some dishes. It makes him tired, doing these menial tasks. It does on bad days. Although he doesn’t know if today constitutes as a bad day. Just a weird day.

Phil is still asleep when Dan potters back up to their bedroom. He feels ready for another nap, and Phil looks a bit needy. The duvet has fallen down a little to expose his chest, and the chest hair that sits there. Something in Dan’s head says _too much_. He frowns, and shakes the thought away. He loves Phil’s chest hair, and he pulls that thought forward.

Dan strips down to his boxers and climbs gently into bed next to Phil. He easily slots back into where he was before, manoeuvring Phil’s arm until they are tangled back together. Sleep comes easily, as it normally does on these days, and he feels himself drift away.

* * *

When Dan wakes up, his head hurts a little. He feels almost like he has a hangover. When he rolls over, he sees Phil sat up, scrolling through his phone, duvet pulled up to his armpits. Briefly, Dan remembers his thought about chest hair. About snoring, and neediness.

He feels better. Not as good as he did pre-nap, but definitely better than he did when he woke up this morning. He waits until he can catch Phil’s eye, and offers him a tiny smile.

“Hey, Dan,” Phil whispers. “You feeling any better?”

“Yeah, a bit,” Dan replies with his own toothy grin. He reaches for Phil’s free hand and tugs him down. “C’mere.”

Phil shuffles down, and when they are both settled, Dan pulls the duvet down a little to expose some chest hair. He intertwines his fingers with Phil’s, and with his other hand he begins to rake his fingers through the coarse hair.

“I love this, you know,” he tells Phil, planting a kiss on his neck. “All this chest hair. It’s sexy.”

Phil lets out a quiet whine, and Dan rumbles a laugh against his neck.

“Dan,” he whispers.

“Let me take care of you, Philly,” Dan whispers. “I know you need that sometimes.”

**Author's Note:**

> i'm not sure how well it showed, but i definitely tried to convey a bit of dan not only taking on phil's positive view of him, but also phil's negative view of himself. it wouldve been too much for me to explore but i hope i got that across okay!  
> i hope you enjoyed! comments are appreciated, come scream at me @ panlesters on tumblr


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